I made a list last year too. A list of 39 things, that I wanted to get done before I was 39. I was almost entirely unsuccessful. I did accomplish the first thing on my list,  the thing around which there was the most desire. 

I built a camper van. I’ve always wanted a camper van. Since I was a child. The camper van of my dreams is different from the camper van that I built, but I cannot afford the camper van of my dreams, not by a long shot. 

It was during covid that I realized that a less than perfect camper van might be better than no camper van at all. I had spend so long dreaming of my ideal camera and had so many things that I was unwilling to compromise on, like roof height. This unwillingness to compromise was keeping me from my childhood dream. 

So I bought a Chevy Astro from sweet old couple that treated it right and were happy to sell it too me for what I had, which wasn’t much. The Chevy Astro is the same type of van that that I traveled to Dollywood in with my high school sweetheart and her mom and sister in 1997. So the nostalgia surrounding this tiny little van was high. 

I spent most of the first year of the pandemic building it out with scrap wood and few splurges like a vent fan and used roof box. 

My van is small. It’s old. It isn’t the camper of my dreams, but I love it. 

And even though I did not succeed at the vast majority of the goals I put on last years list. The year feels like a success, because I finally realized a life long dream. 

Naively, I believe I will actually achieve the majority of my 40 before 40 list. I say naively because I rarely achieve the goals I set. But I am choosing to believe in the magical power of the 40 to inspire me. This is probably foolish. 

This year, the first thing on the list. The thing around which there is the most desire is this:

1. By the time I’m 40, I want it to feel true when I say “I’m a filmmaker.” 

I sometimes say I’m a filmmaker now and it is true, I have made films. But it doesn’t feel true because I have wanted to make many more films than I have made.

Part of the problem is wanting things to be perfect. Like the camper. 

So, this year, I want to make a video for everything on my list. A video for everything I want to do in this year before I turn 40. In order to do that, its going to have to me okay that things aren’t perfect. I’m going to have to push myself to make peace with finishing things even when they aren’t exactly how I wanted them. I’m going to have to learn not to abandon projects as soon as I hit a wall. And that will be good for me.

If I manage to do this I think I’ll feel good when I turn 40, whether or not every goal is actually  achieved. 

So here I go. Place your bets and stay tuned.